I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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