i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm having to shit out rocks
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