I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I supernannyed him into submission
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
