I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
