I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
