I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
