i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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