yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
