You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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