The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We need to get me chipped asap
That's how pantless uber rides happen
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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