I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
