Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
