I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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