fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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