She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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