Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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