She is in my trunk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
