Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
