I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
