do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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