I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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