He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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