U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
