Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
