I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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