oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
