Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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