You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
