I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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