today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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