When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
