So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Please don't give away my fajitas
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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