There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
