I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
