I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
