tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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