What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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