He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
