Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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