On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
