Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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