Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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