There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
