If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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