Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
