dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
