I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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