my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
