My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Four minutes until I can fart!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
