Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His nipple licking is glorious
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