The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
